Not gonna lie, Tumblr scares the shit out of me. I know it’s where all the serious fangirls and fanboys hang out and talk about television, which is exciting, but I feel like I’m not cool enough to roll with them, so I am doing the equivalent of sitting in a corner by myself at a party reading a book about modern art (which I have literally done before) and bitching to absolutely no one on Tumblr about my life, etc. Is this the point of Tumblr? Is it like LiveJournal? LiveJournal was my shit back in the day - I went back and looked through all those old posts maybe a year or two ago and it was crazy how much I’ve changed, but also how I’m exactly the same person. Am I going to look at this in two years and be like “holy shit that bitch was dumb” or is this part of my natural evolution? No clue. Story of my life.
So I got into TFA, which is super ridiculously exciting, because they say their acceptance rate is 17% but the New York Times says it’s actually around 10%. My boss told me that a few years ago 25% of Yale’s graduating class applied to TFA - apparently it’s really big in the Ivies. So little old me, who is going to a shitty state school with a semi-joke degree, got in. And there is a little part of me that’s like “SUCK IT, RICH KIDS” but also secretly hoping to meet a Harvard grad and marry him and be a Harvard Hoochie forever. And there’s a part of me that’s so happy and so proud and so eager to get started and make kids care about school, and do all the fun stuff that I did in high school all over again. But mostly I’m scared shitless. What if I’m not up to the task? What if I can’t handle the pressure or the stress? What if I’m a shitty teacher and can’t deal with my students? And I realize that these are all clearly common thoughts among new corps members, and that I am in no way unique in having these fears, but I also feel like my stakes are particularly high. I chose a major that no one in my family or close circle knew anything about. And although I am passionate about education, television and media are my first loves. I can’t help but think that even with TFA on my resume, even with a master’s and 2 years of professional experience, I’m screwed when it comes to the entertainment industry, because I am in no way unique or talented enough to have a guaranteed future anywhere. I worked for where I am and plan to keep working, but this was also a very, very lucky fluke. A million things could have gone differently during my interview process that would have kicked me out of the running for an offer, so I guess what I’m trying to say is that I might be making the biggest mistake of my life to date by accepting this offer. I might be throwing away a career in television for 2 years of teaching followed by nothing. Also, I will never get to be a Conan intern or an NBC page, which is just about the saddest realization I have ever had since it dawned on me at the age of about 7 that my work will never, ever, ever be finished.
Hooray! I have to poop.